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This week we're crawling into our bunker to read listicles recounting this truly awful year. See you in January... Hopefully.


The Gold Plated Demagogue Vs. The Nasty Woman 


Recommended Pairing:
 
Butt chugging cheap vodka out of an old Goldschläger bottle.

People will be writing about this election cycle until the end of time (currently estimated as December 31st 2016). It started as the story of the foregone conclusion walking proudly up to the podium to place her hand on the bible and get sworn in, but was quickly usurped by a joke of a candidate tweeting his way through the Republican primaries and a self-proclaimed "Democratic Socialist" humbly packing in arenas.

We went from a clear narrative to the proliferation of fake news, a relatively unenthused citizenry to groundswells of support from the perceived anti-establishment candidates. 

We learned about the Alt-Right, Pepe the Frog, email servers, pussy grabbing and about a million other small scandals that made this year completely unprecedented. After the election, we learned about propaganda, Russian influence, the intelligence agencies, Secretary of State pick, Rex Tillerson and the five hundred BILLION dollar deal awaiting Exxon and Rosneft if sanctions could be lifted.

We learned about the electoral college and faithless electors — the one thing keeping a modicum of hope alive inside the majority of Americans hearts. Just take a gander at this cute little chart.


I want nothing more than to unite the country. I want to feel good about heading home for the holidays and engaging in spirited political debate after consuming an ungodly amount of bird, bread and mac and cheese. It's incredibly frustrating to know that half the country doesn't just disagree on policy initiatives or direction but that we disagree on what facts are.

Here's some food for thought — Hillary Clinton lost the election by just 77,143 combined votes in three states, while getting 2,843,860 more votes overall.

That's roughly the equivalent of the population of the nice little town of Racine, WI versus our third largest city, Chicago.

And yet somehow our President-elect has declared this a landslide victory.


With only a few days to go before the electorate cast their vote and a few short weeks later until he's sworn in, I'm seriously considering hunkering down in a bunker filled with DVDs of '90s sitcoms and video games.

I can only assume this simulated "breaking news" broadcast where Russian and NATO forces clash culminating in nuclear explosions is merely a few days away. If we're still around on New Year's, I highly suggest playing this in the background to really scare the shit out of any hungover stragglers may still be rustling around your apartment.

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