This week, the cringe-worthy presidential debates finally come to an end.
Every week I'll be here to reveal and review some of my favorite moments from the internet. Whether it be binging television shows, streaming sports or simply getting lost in a YouTube rabbit hole, I'm here to give you my top picks every Friday, as well as the perfect pairing to get into an optimal headspace for them.
This week, we're celebrating the last of the debates, holding our breath until the election and passing the time by watching car crashes.
Such a Nasty Woman
Recommended Pairing: Circus Peanuts and a shot of Bulleit.
Hillary Clinton just swept the debates, and it wasn't close. She was the lone adult on the stage all three nights, and her only misstep may have been walking the blathering fool into so many gaffes people stopped counting them.
Six months ago, if you would have bet me I was going to proudly vote for a woman I deemed too hawkish, too far away from modern progressivism and too entrenched in the status quo for the oval office, I'd be on my way to the ATM right now.
Donald Drumpf has said an unprecedented amount of stupid shit and heaped up an ungodly bundle of horrific lies and bullshit.
He's right about one thing though.
Hillary Clinton is a nasty woman.
She's a tough-as-nails, mean mother fucking, political ball buster — and I think she'll be a great president (assuming she keeps us out of a full-scale war with Russia).
For most of us, Hillary Clinton wasn't our first (or second or third...) choice, but I'm happy I get to vote for a serious person qualified to do a serious job. I can't fucking believe I'm with her.
Bad Hombre
Recommended Pairing: The best drugs from the worst drug pins.
The debates are finally finished for Mr. Drumpf. It's over. I have a hard time believing even his staunchest supporters watched him up there making faces like a petulant child deprived of his favorite chocolates and thought, Yeah, he's crushing it right now.
He's a simple man way out of his league.
It's like one of those Make-A-Wish scenarios where the kid gets to play some basketball with his favorite players, only they don't take it easy on him just 'cause he's frail and dying.
And instead of grabbing an autograph or two and cherishing his time on the hardwood, Mr Drumpf is kicking and screaming about the game being rigged.
No dude, it's not rigged — you're just a piece of shit.
Last night at 3am, when he sent his inevitable late night tweet claiming he'd won the debate, I got a little pain in my stomach. I'm actually terrified I'm going to miss him a little when he's gone. It's like he decided to run for president with a campaign based loosely on Stockholm Syndrome.
Here are a few of my favorite less talked about bits from his death spiral shit show campaign this week:
- There was audible laughter in the crowd during the debate when The Donald said, "Nobody has more respect for women than I do." Chris Wallace had to scold the crowd.
- When Hillary ran through a list of all of the times he claimed something was rigged when he didn't win, his face lit up when she mentioned The Apprentice star having never won an Emmy. He took the bait and quipped, "Shoulda gotten it."
- During a horrifying rant when asked about his position on abortion, Donald Trump confused a C-Section with a partial birth abortion.
Car Crashes
Recommended Pairing: A seatbelt and some popcorn.
For the past few months, inevitably each weekly column has had some mention of Drumpf and/or Elon Musk. So for this week I thought it'd be nice to just watch a video of a guy about to tell his lady friend he's heading home to smoke some pot when all fo a sudden he "hits the shit out of a fucking bear."
Relax, everyone's fine.
I obviously don't know that for sure, but I like to think there's a bear in the woods in Asheville telling his buddies, "You should see the truck!"
But for reals, Elon Musk is doing baller shit again. Gotta do it. Sorry.
I promise I'll talk about the Nintendo Switch next week or something — anything other than Drumpf and Musk.
Again, timed perfectly to act as a juxtaposition to the political circus, Elon Musk announced another major advancement straight out of the future. Tesla Motors has declared that starting now all future production vehicles in their line will be capable of fully autonomous driving.
Holy shit!
All of this was really great reading but buried down in there was one great little piece of futurology just begging to be its own column.
So am I crazy or did that little blurb just subtly suggest that there is soon to be a Tesla Network of ride sharing cars available? I seriously can not wait for the day that I call for a car to go grab a drink and ride inside of a dope ass Tesla with nary a driver to talk politics with.
'Til next week.
