“Roman Reigns will beat Dean Ambrose at Survivor Series to become the new WWE World Heavyweight Champion.”

That’s not a prediction made five days out from this Sunday’s WWE Pay-per-view event. I said that sentence out loud (to myself...I know, I’m pitiful) before even one tournament match was wrestled. In fact, when they announced the match-ups I accurately called the outcomes of all but one match.

I thought Ryback would beat Kalisto to advance, only because the company has a history of pushing the big guy. I was actually pleasantly surprised to be wrong about that one, though I knew either one of them would eventually fall to Alberto Del Rio.

Outside of the company’s top dogs (at this point, John Cena, Brock Lesnar, and the Undertaker), it doesn’t get much bigger than a match-up between Reigns and Ambrose. And, to be fair, I get it. Even though I saw it coming a mile away, I’m excited to see these two guys go at it.

Of course, there may be a surprise coming, either on SmackDown! this Thursday, or at Survivor Series itself. I highly doubt it, but I’ve been wrong before.

The only other thing I could see happening is one of those ridiculous “what happened is too confusing to explain, so we’re just gonna continue having meaningless rematches until WrestleMania” kind of scenarios. I hate these scenarios, where someone holds the belt for nine fucking seconds before someone of authority pipes up and says, “Wait a minute! So-and-so had diarrhea before the match and therefore shouldn’t have been in the ring. Do over!”

Fuck your diarrhea do-overs! So help me Christ, WWE, there better be a real fucking Champion come Monday morning or I’m gonna stop watching at least one of your 9,000 shows. But probably not.

I’m rambling.

Mark my words: Roman Reigns will be the new Champion. But here are five other guys who should’ve been victorious in the tournament’s final match.

Bray Wyatt

Bray (and his ever-growing number of Wyatt Family members) is currently in the middle of a feud with the Undertaker and Kane, but I love the idea of Bray becoming Champ. Some of this is due to the fact that he doesn’t fit the paint-by-number mold of guys WWE pushes into the top slot. He’s chubby, beardy, and creepy. That combo may sell an assload of t-shirts at Hot Topic, but it doesn’t do shit for the young kid crowd that's looking to spend their parents’ hard-earned cash on merch. I’d love to meet the eight-year-old kid who says, “Hey, Mom, will you buy me this Charles Manson action figure, please?” (Fuck, why don’t they make Charles Manson action figures? That would be amazing.) Anyway, the other reason I’d like to see Bray with the belt around his waist is because I’d like his character to then evolve. He’s pretty much been doing the same shtick since his debut, so I’d love to have him win the belt and then become some fucking creepy preacher man, à la Brother Love from back in the day. Like he’s found God and seen the light, and that’s how he was able to win the belt. This will never happen, but one can dream, can’t he?

Cesaro

Cesaro’s run for the belt came to an end when Reigns defeated him earlier this week. Big shock. Supposedly the strongest guy on the roster (at least proportionate to his size), Cesaro is a classic face/heel hybrid. He’s pompous and talks a big game, but there’s also something instantly loveable about the guy. Maybe it’s the fact that he wears headphones on his way down to the ring. You know, just like me! I’ve never actually walked down to the ring, but if I did I’d be wearing headphones while listening to 4 Non Blondes’ “What’s Up?” Not in an ironic hipster way either, but in more of a “this song is fucking awesome” kind of way.

Wait... what was I talking about? Oh, right: Cesaro. Yeah, he should be Champ. Let’s figure out a way to make that happen, WWE.

Kevin Owens

Talk about going against Champion stereotype: It doesn’t get much less Champ-esque than Owens. That, of course, is why I love the guy. He’s a bigger fella, a Canadian, and the new kid on the block. That said, a title win would make sense given his track record. Owens became the NXT Champ six months after being signed. He then debuted on the main roster and won the Intercontinental Championship within four months. Today, November 18, marks Owens’ six-month anniversary on the main roster, and wouldn’t it have been awesome to see him become WWE World Heavyweight Champ that early on? I say push Owens because he goes against the company’s status quo. Owens is still in the race for the belt (he goes up against Ambrose to advance on SmackDown! this Thursday), but something tells me this is as far as he’s getting this time around.

Damien Sandow

One of my all-time favorites returned to Main Event last week after a long, and mostly unexplained, hiatus. He defeated Heath Slater, and I think that’s more than enough reason to give him the title. Actually, no, he deserves it because he’s more entertaining than almost anyone else on the roster. Is he the most skilled wrestler? No. But he wears hot pink briefs, does cartwheels, and yells, “You’re welcome!” at the audience whenever he does something fucking awesome. These things a Champ makes, folks. Then again, I really wanted Rico to become Champ, so what the fuck do I know?

Dean Ambrose

In an ideal world (strictly in regards to the match we all know is coming this Sunday), Ambrose would win the belt and then Reigns would turn heel. I don’t see either of these things happening, but it would be a nice alternative to what we all assume is coming. A friend of mine said, “Dean Ambrose is this generation’s Rowdy Roddy Piper,” and he’s absolutely right. He’s got a scrappier vibe that constantly teeters back and forth between good and bad. I loved Piper back in the day, and that’s probably why I like Ambrose as much as I do. I say if you really want to keep things interesting, give Ambrose the win, turn Reigns heel, and then have them at each other’s throats until WrestleMania...at which point the company will probably just give the belt back to Lesnar or Cena on some diarrhea technicality.

But fine, go ahead and give it to Roman Reigns so we can all move on already. We know it’s coming.